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2001-06-15 - 9:34 p.m. - Please Pass the 'Help Wanted' Ads
Well, I just finished having a nice long, self-pitying cry. It didn't help that I talked with my husband who is never empathetic about these kinds of things, but rather just plain logical. I don't want logic right now. I don't want to know "what I need to do" (I already know what I will need to do), I just want him to hold me in his arms and sympathize with me that sometimes life is just plain crappy. Later he can dry my tears and get me motivated to go and look for something even better. Though I don't think I'll EVER be motivated to look for work, it is the worst experience ever in my mind. I hate everything about it. But worst of all, I don't even WANT to work. If I didn't have this damn infertility problem I'd already be a SAHM by now. It's so damn unfair! But because we have to fork over thousands of dollars a year to go through infertility treatments, I have to work. Then the work stresses me out, which only hampers my fertility some more and the vicious circle just goes around and around. It upsets me no end, that just when I was back at work after major surgery, and really starting to enjoy and feel comfortable in my job, and just getting started back on fertility treatments and feeling so positive about things, something like these stupid layoffs have to come along and throw me off so completely. Really, all I wanted was to concentrate on my fertility this cycle. I just wanted to be as positive and relaxed as possible. Now I'm feeling depressed, frustrated, stressed (that's an understatement) and defeated already. How am I supposed to get pregnant with all that going on? I almost feel like giving up this cycle, but then who knows how we'll be able to handle infertility treatments when I no longer have the health coverage I do, or pay for the treatments without my extra money each month. Granted I do have health coverage under my husband's insurance (thank goodness), but still, it all just makes me uncomfortable and worried. And no, I haven't been laid off yet. But I already know that I will be. At the 30 min. meeting we had today they did say that our very small group (just 5 people) will be heavily impacted. I have no chance of not getting laid off. Not only am I the newest member of the group, but I also don't have the knowledge that at least 3 other members of our group have. They really are indispensable. If they get laid off, the company is going to be in trouble for getting the reports they need completed. I, and another relatively new person to the group, (am?)/are not so vital. My manager suspects that they will ax two people out of our five. I'd say that is a very good bet, and I'll also bet a million dollars (anyone willing to bet against me?) that I'll be one of the two to go. I'm going to have to start working on my resume, if not this weekend, then starting next week. So no, I haven't been told in so many words I'm laid off, but they might as well have done so. They 'promise' to name names a week from next Monday, so on the 25th I should know. Ironically, our department was going to have a big, fun event on Friday, the 29th. I wonder if they are still going to hold it when half the department will be getting pink slips on Monday. Even if they do still have it, will I want to go? I had been really looking forward to it, now it might just be awkward.
I can't believe how utterly depressed I feel right now. More than anything else I'm upset about my fertility situation. I can't help but feel that if I only hadn't miscarried in January, I would be glad for the severance package since I would be due at the beginning of August anyway. As it is, I'm just worried that all this will negatively impact my fertility even more. As I've said before I'm a big believer in attitude, positive or negative, affecting ones health. Right now I'm feeling pretty darn negative. I just realized that every time my parents have gone to Europe, something bad happens. Last year I got my PCOS diagnosis and this year (they just left for Europe on Saturday) the layoffs. It's lousy because when I'm feeling down I can usually call my mom and count on her for a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Last year when I got my diagnosis I wanted my mom SO bad, but I didn't dare call her because I didn't want to worry her or ruin her trip either. I was miserable. I don't think it will be as bad this time, but it's funny how I really wanted my mom to talk to when I got the bad news today. I guess I need to be thankful that I still have my mom around to cry on her shoulder.
 Well, it's been a few hours since I started typing this entry and I'm feeling a little better. Not lots better, but a little better. I have a headache and my eyes still ache from crying though. I think I'm just going to go to bed. Send me some prayers, star dust, baby dust, good luck or whatever. I could sure use it now. My Clix rating has been WAY down lately. What's wrong? Don't you all like me anymore? Take pity on my little, modest journal and give me a Clix!
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