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Sunday, Nov. 25, 2001 - 4:13 p.m. - Two More Days
Yes, only two more days until the pregnancy blood test at the doctors. That probably seems pretty short to you, but believe me, it still feels like an eon away for me. While I haven’t been moping about, I’m afraid the bad feeling that this IVF didn’t work won’t leave me. I try to shake it aside and tell myself over and over again that I am pregnant and that there is a little one in my uterus already, but I’m afraid the words might pass my lips but haven’t taken root in my heart and hopes. Instead every time I try to picture getting positive news I start holding back any hope again out of fear of being emotionally crushed. Our last IUI I actually held out hope to the last and it made it so much harder when the news came. By far it was the hardest negative test result I received since starting all my fertility treatments, because for the first time I did have some hope. I’m scared. I’m so scared that this isn’t going to work. IVF was our last shot, our last hope. If it doesn’t work, where else do we turn? We can’t continue doing IVF over and over again. We just can’t afford it. We were lucky to get it covered by insurance this time. We might be able to try one more time, but after that…. I feel like I’m not ready to give up completely yet, but our options are so limited. If our best option, which is IVF, doesn’t work for us, what else can we do? I’m not ready to give up the dream of being a mom yet. I just can’t. And please don’t tell me that adoption is an option. I know that, but I’m not ready to face that yet either. All my life I dreamed of the day I would carry my own child in my body and feel the baby kick and move and share those moments with my husband. I’m not ready to let those dreams go. I’ve been trying so hard to be thankful for the things I do have, and yet I feel so empty. I know I should be happy for my wonderful family, my kind and loving husband, my beautiful home, the food we have to eat and the good health of those I love, and yet I would trade all my worldly possessions to be blessed with a child of my own. I would gladly give up my house, my car and all my lovely things to be a mother and hear my child call me “mommy.” I know some of the people who read my journal, but not everyone and I just want those of you out there who have children but might not have a house or much money or worry about how you are going to make ends meet know that I envy you. You have something more precious than any money can ever buy. We enjoyed a nice Thanksgiving. Michael’s brother and wife come down from Oak Harbor and we all went over to my brother’s house for dinner. My brother and SIL did a great job and we had a good time. Of course, my nephews were as adorable as always and I thoroughly enjoyed them, especially when the littlest one came and snuggled up to me while watching The Hobbit on tv. My parents called from Hawaii and we passed the phone around the table and gave them a bad time about calling us just as we were sitting down to eat. My brother kept making comments about my “eating for two, or three, or four” good-naturedly. I baked two pumpkin pies and one pecan pie (thanks for the recipe Shana, it was easy and delicious) – my very first pecan pie – and they were admired and devoured after giving our stomachs time to settle after dinner. We talked Michael’s brother into staying another night, so we had a lot of fun with them playing games and talking. Of course, this was a sacrifice on my part, since when Michael and his brother get together, I can pretty much kiss my computer goodbye. They pretty much spent the entire day Friday playing some networked computer game. So SIL and I went to the Central Market so that she could buy some Asian foods and I ended up getting ingredients for a cream of mushroom soup recipe that I got from Michael’s mom. If anyone out there likes cream of mushroom soup and wants the recipe let me know, this soup is outstanding! Probably the best cream of mushroom soup I’ve ever eaten and it wasn’t even difficult to make. My BIL ate 4 bowls!! So that’s all that’s happened with me over the last few days. I’m still waiting, waiting and more waiting. Oh, over the last few days my breasts have become somewhat tender but I’ve also been getting some pre-AF type cramping, so I don’t think that my symptoms are indicative of a ++++ test, but I wanted to make a note of any symptoms this time around since I didn’t record anything when I did get a positive pregnancy test so I could never compare.
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