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Monday, December 3, 2001 - 9:44 p.m. - A Little More Time
Friends, I took a complete break from the computer. I didn’t check email (I knew I would be receiving quite a number of “I’m sorry to hear of your negative results” emails and I just couldn’t handle reading or responding to them yet) or even touch the computer for the first few days, and since then I’ve read some other journals and read some emails, but I’m not quite ready to start responding to them yet. I’m afraid that I still start crying when I read them. People are so nice and I’m so strange that when people are nice to me when I’m feeling down, that’s when I start really crying (not that I want people not to be nice). I want to thank everyone who has written me, and I hope you understand why you haven’t heard back from me. I promise I will respond to your email or guestbook entry, but it might take me a little longer than it usually does. I guess I still just need some time to grieve. Michael told me to please tell everyone how much it has meant to both of us to receive your supportive emails. He’s been very touched by the ones I’ve read out loud to him also. This has been a difficult time for him too, especially since he’s had to deal with a depressed and sobbing wife much of the time. Thank goodness he’s so positive and keeps reassuring me that we will try again and that the second time it will work. Each day gets a little better for me too, though I will suddenly just start crying over the littlest thing. (Yesterday I started sobbing when my mom and dad gave me a beautiful necklace with a pendant that has a large heart with a little heart in it – of course to me it represented a little heart beating in the same body as my heart and I lost it.) Today I even got up enough strength to call and make an appointment with our RE to talk about what we need to do next. Unfortunately we couldn’t get an appointment until December 18. So we wait some more. Needless to say, I’m not much in a holiday mood, though I’m trying. I dug out my Christmas CD’s and have been playing them, but my poor heart just isn’t joyful right now. It makes me sad, because I’ve always loved the Christmas season. Luckily I’ve got a huge project to keep me busy. We’ve started painting our dining room, living room, entryway and hall. This is no small feet since we have 18 and 20 ft. ceilings in our dining room, living room and entry way. We’ve even had to rent scaffolding in order to reach the ceiling for painting. My job is all the windows; we’ve taken off all the molding, I’ve sanded down the moldings, the window casings and taped the windows and will start painting tomorrow. In the meantime my husband has painted the ceilings in the dining room and living room and part of the hallway. Of course, it took us all day Sunday to simply prep the rooms by moving furniture, laying plastic all over our house and setting up the scaffolding. The cat was having a ball in the plastic, but has been held captive in our master bedroom since yesterday and isn’t very happy about it. So while I didn’t have a lot of enthusiasm for this project right now, it’s keeping me busy physically and I’m getting excited about how it will all look when it is done. Well, this has turned into a pretty long update, when really all I wanted to do was write a few words and explain my absence and let people know how I was doing. I guess brevity was never my strong point. But then if you’ve been reading my journal for a while, you already knew that. Thank you again for all your support throughout this process and the disappointment of last week. I hope to return to the hopeful, positive Heidi I try to be soon. I know moping about doesn’t help me, but I’m just not ready to let go of my pain and hurt yet and look forward. I’m getting closer each day, but give me a little more time yet.
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