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Wednesday, Jan. 02, 2002 - 8:55 p.m. - Good Thing It's Not Owl Mail
You know I spent so much of December 31 cleaning out my inboxes and finally writing back to people who wrote me back in November, and now I’m drowning in email again! Believe me, though, this is the kind of email that’s fun!! I’ve waited 2 years to get these kinds of emails (well, I guess I got some last year when I got pregnant, but I didn’t have as many people reading my journal then), so I’m enjoying the excitement and happy congratulations. My only (and very big fear) is that tomorrow’s blood test will have the same results the blood test last year had, that the levels will be going down instead of up and that all the congratulations will turn into sympathy emails again. It’s not that the sympathy emails aren’t appreciated, in fact, in many ways I need those more, but they are just so sad to deal with at the same time. I cannot express in words just how scared and nervous I am about tomorrow’s blood test. I couldn’t sleep last night for worrying about it. I’ve been near panicky all day today as well. To have all this happiness and expectation washed away again would be so hard to swallow. I’ve questioned my decision to publicly post our pregnancy about a hundred times over the last 24 hours. On the one hand I figure I might as well celebrate while I can, even if it doesn’t last. At least I’d have my brief moment in the sun. On the other hand I would be laying my broken heart out in the open once again if all doesn’t go well. It’s hard enough to deal with these types of things in private, once you’ve shared it with hundreds of people (well, maybe 100 people) the pain kind of grows exponentially. Ironically, today is the anniversary of the loss of my pregnancy a year ago as well. At any rate, I did talk with my mom today but didn’t tell her anything about the pregnancy test. She actually talked quite a bit about hoping that 2002 will be our year and that all our dreams come true. She talked about being positive about the next IVF and not to give up even if the next one doesn’t work; how my parents would help us in whatever way they could to make another IVF possible; how she wanted to know right away if I got a positive pregnancy test. Believe me that last one made it hard to keep the secret even more, and yet I’m not ready to spill the news. If tomorrow’s test proves promising, Michael and I plan to go over to my parents tomorrow and tell them in person. One thing that is driving me crazy though, is that I bought a card, with the face of a baby on it, last time I was pregnant and was going to write a note in it informing my parent’s of my pregnancy, but then when we got the bad news, we just told them straight out and I saved the card for a “later happier date.” Only now I can’t find that card! I usually keep all my cards in a “card organizer,” and looked in each of the categories today, but it’s not in there. I have no idea where else I might have placed it. It’s driving me batty. I want to thank everyone publicly who has written me email, or signed my guestbook. Your happy and supportive emails have meant more to me than I can say. I will do my best to respond to everyone, but it might take a few days. Funny, I still can’t let myself get too excited until we know the results tomorrow, so I keep writing “if this pregnancy lasts” and “if we have a little one this year.” I’m not counting any eggs (or peeps) for that matter until we know we’re on the right road. I don’t think I’ll tell family friends and distant friends until I’m into the 2nd trimester. Of course, I won’t be able to keep the info from close friends for that long. They’ve been right there along with me through all of this, I want them to share in the excitement too. Hey, I guess that’s another reason I just had to share with all of you! You’ve all been through much of my journey with me too. I know I keep asking for you to cross your fingers and toes for me, but I’m going to ask it of you again. In fact, you might want to keep those crossed for the next 8 months!!!
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