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Monday, Jan. 07, 2002 - 8:59 p.m. - The Emotions of Infertility After Pregnancy
I never realized just how much dealing with infertility would affect me even after I was finally pregnant. In the last 7 days I’ve learned that achieving pregnancy does not erase all the emotional and mental baggage that comes along with infertility, rather the emotional and mental baggage seems to increase exponentially. The range of emotions I have experienced have swung from one end of the spectrum to the other, and I don’t see an end in sight. Of course the first emotions were disbelief and fear, then shock and tempered joy. Results of the first blood test brought more disbelief, amazement and a definite thrill. I wanted to shout my news to the world and basically did through my journal. Then anxiety set in again as I waited for the next blood test. After the test, while waiting for the phone to ring, I was near to tears with despair that this pregnancy was not meant to be; and then when the phone call with the good news did come, relief and elation didn’t seem to even express my feelings adequately. Fear came into my heart once again after the 3rd blood test, though I tried to rationalize my concerns and with the help of some kind friends, came to a place of peace about it. Now with the long wait until Thursday when I go in for my first ultrasound, it seems like I’m going through a cycle of emotions every hour or two! It’s like being on a rollercoaster and not being able to get off. One moment I’m panicking because I still have no real pregnancy symptoms, then I try to calm myself with the rationalizations that there is nothing more that I can do to maintain this pregnancy than what I am already doing and that what happens happens whether I know about it via tests or not. Then I try to re-analyze my situation by reminding myself how the last time, before we even knew of all my autoimmune issues, my little one made it to the 9th week. This time I’m on all the medications to prevent the same thing from happening, so shouldn’t the “peep” be ok? After all, why shouldn’t I have a healthy pregnancy with all that we are doing to maintain it? Then I start the downslide of this circle all over again. It’s really awful. I just can’t quite enjoy this experience like I had always imagined I would. I feel cheated. Why can’t I just accept the fact I’m pregnant and stop worrying about it and just be glad that I am after trying to get to this point for over 2 years??!! I mentioned some of these feelings to a good friend of mine who has also gone through infertility and now is the mother of a beautiful little girl. She said that there was a chapter in the book The Long Awaited Stork: A Guide to Parenting After Infertilityaddressing precisely my situation, pregnancy after infertility, and she scanned and sent me that chapter via email. I read it and I cried. It captured my feelings and worries so well. It doesn’t change how I feel, but it helps to know that how I am feeling is normal for someone having gone through what I have. The second paragraph of the chapter really hit home. Prolonged infertility causes people to anticipate loss. It convinces them that their bodies do not work right and it heightens their awareness of what miracles conception, pregnancy and childbirth really are. Those who do become pregnant after infertility are likely to expect – or at least to worry – that the pregnancy will go the way of all their failed conceptions. For them a positive pregnancy test brings nine months of fear and anxiety.The book goes on to touch on the fears of pregnancy loss. Infertile women often feel bewildered when they first learn that they are pregnant. Even those that say they know the moment they conceived feel a sense of disbelief when the pregnancy test is positive. They spend the first trimester checking for blood, feeling for breast tenderness, and waiting for the first sign of nausea. Many worry that they feel “too good” and interpret any twinge or tickle as a sign that something has gone wrong. If you are pregnant after infertility, don’t be surprised to find that the hours crawl by during those first weeks. Infertile women are never a month or two pregnant; they are three weeks and two-and-one-half days along, or six weeks, one day, and one hour pregnant. You may find also that you resent the confidence that your fertile friends seem to have about their pregnancies. They are able to assume that their pregnancies will go well and seem strangely unaware of all that could go wrong. I couldn’t believe how much these words were true for me. They struck such a nerve the tears came to my eyes and flowed down my cheeks. I could go on and quote practically the whole chapter, that’s how much I can relate to it. I guess infertility isn’t only about not being able to conceive a child, but it has become a part of me and no whether I have 3 children or no children, I believe I will always place myself in the group among infertile women. I’ve heard that over time this feeling starts to change after the birth of a healthy child for some, but for others the feeling continues to exist. I think I’ll be in that second group.
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