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Sunday, Aug. 04, 2002 - 1:15 p.m. - Hopes and Dreams - 35 Weeks
I swear every morning when I first get up, I feel like my tummy has grown some more! It just keeps getting bigger and harder. But there are times when I’m sitting down doing something that I almost forget that I’m pregnant until I stand up again and start waddling. Yes, I’ve definitely got the pregnancy waddle going. Today I’m at 35 weeks! Wow, in just 2 more weeks I’ll be considered full term by some pregnancy calendars and calculators. I just can’t believe it. I remember at the beginning of my pregnancy, when I looked at those pregnancy calendars a few times a day (checking out around 5 different ones online), I wondered if that time would ever come. I didn’t want to wish away time, because I always think of that as wishing away your life -- time passes too quickly as it is -- and yet, I just wanted to have my baby safe in my arms. Well, I still do. You’d think that I’d be at that point where I could relax about something going wrong since I’m so close to holding my baby in my arms, and yet I’m feeling more anxious than I have in a long time these days. Sadly, this anxiety is due to the fact that I know very well, that my APA+ and ANA+ status puts the baby at risk until it is born. Add to that several horror stories of babies dying inutero at 8 months up to just days before their due dates, just freaks me out. I know it doesn’t happen often, but it did happen to two people I know very well. It’s just robbed me of the blind joy of almost reaching the “finish line.” Furthermore, add to that the fact that I am supposed to stop my heparin injections today, but was told that I should be monitored closely from this point on (and a lack of confidence in my OB in this regard), just has me in a state of worry. I’m going to talk with the OB about that too at our next appointment. As much as I am aware that it is important for babies to stay in the womb for as long as possible so that their lungs are mature and they are able to regulate their body temperatures, as well as their general well-being, I’m at the point where I’m worried that my body is going to fail my baby and I’d rather have her OUT and receiving medical help than in me and at risk. I need to express this concern to my OB, because I think my being stressed and worried about our Peep over the next few weeks just can’t be good for either the baby or myself. Perhaps knowing when and how I will be delivering this child would really help me. I’m hoping that might be the case, so I hope we get some definitive answers at my OB appointment on Thursday. All that said, I’m getting so excited about holding my OWN child in my arms soon. I’m excited and yet still in a state of disbelief. I look at some of the other babies that have been born to online journalers in the last few weeks and I can’t believe that I am finally going to have one of those myself. I go into the nursery and sit there in the rocker and look around at all the baby things and can’t believe that we have a nursery because we are going to be parents! I feel my baby move inside me, and sometimes it really hurts when she sticks a foot or knee way out or into my ribs, and I still can’t believe that there is a baby in there! Our baby! A girl! Our daughter! It’s all so amazing and so wonderful. I’ve truly kept my word and enjoyed every minute of this pregnancy (between the worries) and never taken a day of it for granted. Sure that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my aches and pains, but I’m even thankful for them and for what they mean. After all, if you are being given a dream come true, you don’t complain about the process of getting it in my book. Some people might say “Yeah, but you didn’t have morning sickness or bed rest or swollen feet, etc.” My answer to them is “Yes, but I had major surgery, multiple treatments that were both embarrassing and expensive, years of heartbreak, so many injections I can’t even keep track of them all (I only kept track of the heparin injections, not all the fertility treatment ones), medication galore, more Dr’s appointments than most people have in a few years of pregnancy and still suffered many of the common complaints of pregnancy.” Despite all this, I saw my pregnancy as nothing but a blessing and a dream come true and never complained to anyone. Well, ok, I did complain about the infertility stuff, only because it was so unfair and heartbreaking. Often these days I sit and rub my belly and talk to my little girl. I enjoy those kicks and movements, even the painful ones, because they let me know that she is there and is well. She reminds me sometimes of her presence when I’m engrossed in a project or book and it always makes me smile and makes me happy. It’s like she’s trying to say, “Hey, don’t forget about me in here!” I try to imagine what she is going to look like, what her personality is going to be like – is she going to be shy, like I was as a little girl, or will she be outgoing, more like I am today? Is she going to have more of Michael’s traits or mine? Is she going to like music and want to sing or play instruments, or would she rather play sports? Will she be an easy baby or will she be colicky and suffer a lot of allergies? Will she like to snuggle up for stories or will she rather be on the go all the time? Will she play with dolls and have tea parties or would she rather play with dump trucks in the sand with her nephews? No matter what she chooses, I will support her choices. I hope to give her all the opportunities in the world to try different things. I won’t keep her from playing soccer or softball “because it is unladylike” like my mom did to me, but even if she likes softball, I’ll expose her to ballet, so that she can make an informed choice. Of course, I have hopes and dreams for my daughter, but I hope I’m not a mom who forces her dreams on her child. I will do my best not to do that. Instead I hope to expose her to many different things and let her make her own choices. Yet, I will be a strict mother when it comes to things like manners and courteousness. I’ll let her explore but I’ll pull in the reigns at times too. At the same time, I hope to explain to her why I’m doing so. I know these are all “ideals” and that no child and no parents are perfect. I can only do my best. I know times won’t always be easy, but I hope that I’m strong enough to stand up through the times that are tragic or hard, and be there when she needs me. I guess what I’m trying to say, my little Peep, is that I hope that I can be the best mother you could have and the best mother I can be. You, and every other child, deserve that much. You were so desperately wanted and are already so loved by so many, I know that you will never suffer for love or family. I will try and give you balance in your life. I will try and provide you with opportunities to explore the world and all the opportunities to learn and grow into the unique and magnificent child, teenager, young adult and adult you will become. I hope that you look back as fondly on your childhood and growing up years as I do on mine. I know there will be times I will make mistakes, will be unfair or unreasonable, but it will only be because I am your mother and will worry about you and love you more than anyone else in the world. My dear little Peep, you are truly my dream come true. I just hope that I can be the type of mother a dream come true deserves. So my little Peep, stay safe, grow and prepare to come into this world for a few more weeks, but know that we are anxious to meet you. As for love, we love you more than we can say already.
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