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Thursday, Aug. 22, 2002 - 9:23 p.m. - 37 Week OB Appointment
Today was another OB appointment. Now that I’m doing them once a week, it seems like they come up pretty fast. Granted, I only have one more appointment left!!! Then shortly after that we will be seeing the OB in the operating room the next time! Wow!! Exciting, scary and thrilling all at the same time. Prior to the OB appointment, I had another non-stress test (NST). In my case I’m doing non-stress tests prior to my due date because of both the gestational diabetes and because of my heparin usage. The way a non-stress test works is that you are seated in a wonderfully comfortable recliner with your feet raised and two elastic belts attached around your belly. One belt holds something that monitors movements of the baby as well as any uterine contractions and the other belt holds something that records the baby’s heartbeat. In addition to these monitors, I’m also given a little wand with a button to push each time I feel the baby move. The idea is that the baby’s heartbeat should increase each time she moves and then go back down within a certain time frame. If she is doing that, then all is well with the baby. So far she’s passed every NST with flying colors. I have another two before the c-section is planned. The OB appointment was pretty uneventful as always. Believe me, consider all that it took to get pregnant, uneventful OB appointments are much appreciated. My blood pressure was 115/70, my weight might have dropped 0.5 lb (total net gain from pregnancy 12 lbs), my fundal height went down to 36 cm, most likely because the Peep is moving down into my pelvic area, and urine was free and clear of any of the things they test for. So overall, a good appointment. With one exception…. One thing I didn’t mention after my last ultrasound appointment was something that has worried me since then. I didn’t want to mention it because I wanted to discuss it with my OB today first. Besides that, we were in a bit of shock and didn’t know what to think or ask. Basically, this last ultrasound showed that our Peeps long bones in her arms (the bones going from the shoulder to elbow) are shorter than they should be – two standard deviations shorter. (Whatever a standard deviation is considered in this kind of measurement.) According to both the Perinatologist and my OB, this could mean nothing, it’s just normal for her, or it could mean some kind of syndrome. The strange thing is that most syndromes, like Downs or Dwarfism show a shortness in the long bones of BOTH the upper arms and the upper thighs as well as many other deviations in other areas of the skeletal system. Our Peep is only showing a variation in her long bones of the arms. All her other measurements are perfectly normal. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this hasn’t weighed heavily on my mind and heart this last week. Sadly my discussion with my OB today has not helped matters much. There simply isn’t anything they can do or check at this point to confirm or deny any syndrome or chromosomal issue. We simply have to wait until the Peep is born and have her examined by a pediatrician. So now my excitement of her birth is tinged with a little worry and fear also. I know I’m going to be worried until she is checked over thoroughly by a pediatrician, and even then it might take more testing before we have a definitive answer. Funny enough, on this issue, Michael is completely unconcerned. He’s sure that it’s just a matter of stature for her. Especially since people on my father’s side of the family tend to be short and squat (like me). After all, who’s to say that my arms aren’t a standard deviation or two off from the “norm”? I find it so ironic that he’s so sure that nothing is seriously wrong, when he’s been the one that has been the most worried about problems with our child since the beginning of the pregnancy. Now when a “problem” pops up, he’s the first to deny that it has any serious ramifications. I can’t help it. I’m worried. Of course, I focus on all the negative possibilities my OB and the perinatologist mentioned – a “syndrome” with lifelong ramifications, mental disabilities, etc. I guess the perinatologist’s base assumption is that everything is fine, but we can’t be sure of anything until she is examined by a pediatrician. I’m so afraid that all I’m going to focus on when the Peep arrives is if she looks different or if her arms look unusually short, or if there is something abnormal about her, rather than focusing on all the things that one normally would at that time, her fingers and toes and eyes and nose and those things. I’m afraid it’s clouded my excitement of her birth and finally seeing her with worries. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything that can be done about that. Instead, I just have to wait another 10 days or more before all my questions are answered and hopefully my worries and concerns assuaged. I’m afraid that what worries me even more is what if my concerns and worries are realized? What if there is something terribly wrong with my child? How am I going to react to that? How will I feel about the child? How will I deal with it? My gut feeling is that I would feel so damn cheated – to have gone through so much to get pregnant and stay pregnant only to have a child that has a serious medical issue. Having to go through infertility was unfair. Having a child with a serious medical issue would just seem like adding insult to injury. After all, is it so wrong to prefer to have a child that is normal and healthy after all that we’ve been through? Would it be asking for too much? I don’t think so. I’m just asking these questions as rhetorical ones. I don’t expect or even really want responses from you, my dear readers. I don’t think I really want to spend more time than I already am contemplating all the options and concerns. In fact, I wasn’t going to even write about all this in my journal, but being that it has affected me so much, and ultimately this journal is a record of my feelings so I felt it was something I couldn’t just pretend never happened or leave out. In some ways I wish more than anything that we never had that last ultrasound. I’d rather be blissfully happy anticipating the birth of my child than feeling as I do now. It’s another reason these last few days seem to keep dragging. Another reason I seem so prone to tears these last few days. Another stressor that I really don’t need right now. So instead I try to think positively and continue to prepare for my little one’s birth. I try to focus on all the good things and put on a happy face when people ask me about when I am due and whether we know if it is a girl or a boy already and if we have a name picked out yet (no, we still don’t!!). Don’t get me wrong. I am happy, I just wish that I didn’t always have some new worry pop up and keep me from always completely enjoying my long- awaited pregnancy. Nonetheless, things still need to get done before this little one arrives and changes our lives forever, and we continue to work on this list…. Things to do before the Peep arrives (not an any specific order) : •
Please don’t write and tell me that even if there are issues with our baby that everything will work out. While that may be true, I really don’t wish to discuss it more than I have in this journal entry. We appreciate your support and positive thoughts during this time. I will be sure to update with any information as soon as we find out anything ourselves. I hope you understand.
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